I love this. The passage from shattering grief into exuberant joy… we hold every polarity within ourselves, and loss brings them all to the surface. There’s so much wisdom to be honored here
Thank you for this. I think we need to let the grief out. Why we tend to quiet the ones who wail is beyond me. They are in touch with their grief in a way that is beneficial and healing for them and actually for all who hear it. We are not crying for the loved one but for us. We are the ones left with the grief and loss. We feel that and have to let it go. I may want people to have a good time at my wake and funeral, but I would never tell them not to express their grief. Having lived with grief for almost a year now after my wife's death, I know how important it is to let out the agony and pain. What I say to my loved ones is to celebrate life. Travel the world. Go enjoy life to the fullest. That is how I want you to celebrate my life. Laugh, love, and dance.
End of life doula here, and I couldn’t agree more. When we sanitize grief, we postpone it. Mourning a loved one isn’t something we get over, it’s what we work through.
Absolutely. Grief is stubborn—ignore it, and it will come back to bite you. Better to give it what it needs: attention, love, and tenderness. Honored to be in this work with you. 💀💛
As an Irish woman living in the US and working in the funeral space, I regularly discuss the subject. I agree with most of this article, and thank you for your writing. However, I disagree with some parts and often try to clarify when asked about 'how the Irish do death'. The Irish are incredible at funerals but not so good at death per se. A famous phrase that was often heard in Ireland when you meet someone who is grieving 'too much' was "Quiet down now, or you'll be keeping him from his rest". Haha, we are so superstitious that we will not speak of death or 'ill of the dead' or such like. It's a sad thing and something I have been trying to shake. My business that I started in Ireland is what I call the Wake 2.0 because I am trying to bring mourning and celebration together with food and drink like the good aul days. The Bean Chaointe are sadly a long-lost profession, but there is a Keening Festival, and we (like most cultures) try to hold on to the things that made us... us. Like the Irish Language, it's making a comeback, thankfully. I will be releasing a webinar on Irish Traditions in the Funeral Space and how to incorporate them into Modern Day Memorials this week so if any interest, check it out.
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective! There was so much more I wanted to explore in this piece, but space is always a challenge—so I had to cut mentions of the keening festival, which I think is such a beautiful effort to reclaim and revive that lost tradition.
I completely agree that while the Irish are incredible at funerals, what happens after is often a different story. There’s so much societal pressure to push grief down once the funeral ends—to “quiet down,” as you put it, and get back to life as usual. I think that’s something so many cultures struggle with, and it’s part of why bringing these conversations back into the open is so important.
Your work with Wake 2.0 sounds amazing, and I’d love to hear more about your webinar!
My 2nd book also talks about Saying Farewell The Irish Way in today's world - a mixture of history and tips for the modern-day Irish diaspora! Have you been to the Keening Festival? Yes agreed, the more we talk, the more we learn and release!
I love this. The passage from shattering grief into exuberant joy… we hold every polarity within ourselves, and loss brings them all to the surface. There’s so much wisdom to be honored here
We are meant to feel it all!
Thank you for this. I think we need to let the grief out. Why we tend to quiet the ones who wail is beyond me. They are in touch with their grief in a way that is beneficial and healing for them and actually for all who hear it. We are not crying for the loved one but for us. We are the ones left with the grief and loss. We feel that and have to let it go. I may want people to have a good time at my wake and funeral, but I would never tell them not to express their grief. Having lived with grief for almost a year now after my wife's death, I know how important it is to let out the agony and pain. What I say to my loved ones is to celebrate life. Travel the world. Go enjoy life to the fullest. That is how I want you to celebrate my life. Laugh, love, and dance.
We grieve because we love; honoring that love means allowing ourselves to feel it all.
I’m glad to hear you’re embracing your inner keening. May your grief, like your love for your wife, continue to be fully seen and felt. 💚
End of life doula here, and I couldn’t agree more. When we sanitize grief, we postpone it. Mourning a loved one isn’t something we get over, it’s what we work through.
Absolutely. Grief is stubborn—ignore it, and it will come back to bite you. Better to give it what it needs: attention, love, and tenderness. Honored to be in this work with you. 💀💛
As an Irish woman living in the US and working in the funeral space, I regularly discuss the subject. I agree with most of this article, and thank you for your writing. However, I disagree with some parts and often try to clarify when asked about 'how the Irish do death'. The Irish are incredible at funerals but not so good at death per se. A famous phrase that was often heard in Ireland when you meet someone who is grieving 'too much' was "Quiet down now, or you'll be keeping him from his rest". Haha, we are so superstitious that we will not speak of death or 'ill of the dead' or such like. It's a sad thing and something I have been trying to shake. My business that I started in Ireland is what I call the Wake 2.0 because I am trying to bring mourning and celebration together with food and drink like the good aul days. The Bean Chaointe are sadly a long-lost profession, but there is a Keening Festival, and we (like most cultures) try to hold on to the things that made us... us. Like the Irish Language, it's making a comeback, thankfully. I will be releasing a webinar on Irish Traditions in the Funeral Space and how to incorporate them into Modern Day Memorials this week so if any interest, check it out.
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing your perspective! There was so much more I wanted to explore in this piece, but space is always a challenge—so I had to cut mentions of the keening festival, which I think is such a beautiful effort to reclaim and revive that lost tradition.
I completely agree that while the Irish are incredible at funerals, what happens after is often a different story. There’s so much societal pressure to push grief down once the funeral ends—to “quiet down,” as you put it, and get back to life as usual. I think that’s something so many cultures struggle with, and it’s part of why bringing these conversations back into the open is so important.
Your work with Wake 2.0 sounds amazing, and I’d love to hear more about your webinar!
Here is a link to it https://www.muldowneymemorials.com/modern-irish-funeral-traditions
My 2nd book also talks about Saying Farewell The Irish Way in today's world - a mixture of history and tips for the modern-day Irish diaspora! Have you been to the Keening Festival? Yes agreed, the more we talk, the more we learn and release!