A lot to unpack here. I am Catholic and want to be cremated and my ashes buried. As Catholics, our ashes must not be separated, scattered , turned into jewelry or records or kept in perpetuity on someone’s bookcase or mantel (despite the fact that many Catholics not abiding by the Catechism do those very things). Other than that, I strongly agree with your comments about how women have traditionally been the ones to care for the deceased bodies of their loved ones. Every time I was the nurse assigned to a baby or child that died in the PICU, I always asked the bereaved families if they wanted to help me get their child’s body bathed and dressed prior to going to the morgue or the funeral home. Almost always, they said yes. There was only one time I remember that the mother was angry and refused so the dad and I bathed and cared for their little boy together. I found it so odd that I could go to that safe place in my head while we were doing this so I could be fully present in his time of grief and mourning. I don’t ever regret those times, even though they were deeply distressing.
Mary, thank you for reading and for such a thoughtful comment. Your PICU story is incredibly powerful. The way you invited families to bathe and dress their child feels like the purest form of care in the middle of the unimaginable.
This is fascinating! As we see the women of the great wealth transfer take over, it’s only natural that we will feel more comfortable dealing with women service providers as well. I hadn’t thought about this angle of it.
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Women's lives are marked by small endings, yes, beautifully said. Speaking for myself, I believe there will be a sense of relief when I'm finally able to part ways with my body. It will be bittersweet. I'll miss the experience of having a body, the pleasure of it, but the relief will come when the external monitoring, picking, legislation, and marketing ceases. Body disposition feels like one of the few places we can claim body sovereignty.
Big fan of Katrina Spade and Recompose here and I love this essay! Years ago I was both a postpartum doula and a hospice volunteer, tending to the bookends in an ancient female lineage. This essay sums it all up beautiful, very hopeful.
thank you so much! I am figuring out how to make a personal website. but for now, if you check out my last post it shows a preview. I want to use the experimental filmmaking medium (and its theory) as a way to process/grieve a loved one’s passing. I am testing this out on myself with my own grief and will make bespoke pieces for others as the next phase of this practice. There are more elements like sculptures and how the co creation process will unfold. I am working on the philosophical methodology now. I would love to DM you when the site is up and you can see the second phase of the practice in the form of the written methodology and work I will co create with those who have made it to the other side. Your body of work is truly a treasure and I LOVE my Hello, Mortal newsletters <3
Death for most societies was male based. Men went to war, died, and if they could disposed of the body. That’s the predominant means of early death in all societies througout history. Women became involved when death occurred by natural means. Men reclaimed their dominance through religion. Declaring as a god given command, that bodies should be treated the same as they were on the battlefield, burried to protect them from predators, maybe given trinkets to assist their crossing to the afterlife.
If women are at all involved in the modern area it is one of the primary griever, not the primary definer of how death proceeds.
Thanks for your invitation to alert you to new books! My newest title, 98.6 Mortality Movies to See Before You Die, is coming out April 16, National Healthcare Decisions Day (ties in with Death and Taxes). It curates 142 films and television programs that address mortality from a wide range of perspectives. Chapters focus on topics such as funerals and funeral directors, grief and growth, medical and end-of-life issues, mortality and living fully, animated films, documentaries, and more. Happy to send you a copy when it's available. You can learn more about it here: https://agoodgoodbye.com/mortality-movies/98-6-mortality-movies-to-see-before-you-die-coming-soon/
A lot to unpack here. I am Catholic and want to be cremated and my ashes buried. As Catholics, our ashes must not be separated, scattered , turned into jewelry or records or kept in perpetuity on someone’s bookcase or mantel (despite the fact that many Catholics not abiding by the Catechism do those very things). Other than that, I strongly agree with your comments about how women have traditionally been the ones to care for the deceased bodies of their loved ones. Every time I was the nurse assigned to a baby or child that died in the PICU, I always asked the bereaved families if they wanted to help me get their child’s body bathed and dressed prior to going to the morgue or the funeral home. Almost always, they said yes. There was only one time I remember that the mother was angry and refused so the dad and I bathed and cared for their little boy together. I found it so odd that I could go to that safe place in my head while we were doing this so I could be fully present in his time of grief and mourning. I don’t ever regret those times, even though they were deeply distressing.
Mary, thank you for reading and for such a thoughtful comment. Your PICU story is incredibly powerful. The way you invited families to bathe and dress their child feels like the purest form of care in the middle of the unimaginable.
This is fascinating! As we see the women of the great wealth transfer take over, it’s only natural that we will feel more comfortable dealing with women service providers as well. I hadn’t thought about this angle of it.
Glad you think so!
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Women's lives are marked by small endings, yes, beautifully said. Speaking for myself, I believe there will be a sense of relief when I'm finally able to part ways with my body. It will be bittersweet. I'll miss the experience of having a body, the pleasure of it, but the relief will come when the external monitoring, picking, legislation, and marketing ceases. Body disposition feels like one of the few places we can claim body sovereignty.
Enjoy the body while you can!
Thank you for writing this! Will save and share.
Thank God!
Big fan of Katrina Spade and Recompose here and I love this essay! Years ago I was both a postpartum doula and a hospice volunteer, tending to the bookends in an ancient female lineage. This essay sums it all up beautiful, very hopeful.
Thanks for reading and for the work you did!
As an artist that focuses on art work around this topic for people who are transitioning into death, I really really resonated with this piece.
So glad to hear that and would love to learn more about your work!
thank you so much! I am figuring out how to make a personal website. but for now, if you check out my last post it shows a preview. I want to use the experimental filmmaking medium (and its theory) as a way to process/grieve a loved one’s passing. I am testing this out on myself with my own grief and will make bespoke pieces for others as the next phase of this practice. There are more elements like sculptures and how the co creation process will unfold. I am working on the philosophical methodology now. I would love to DM you when the site is up and you can see the second phase of the practice in the form of the written methodology and work I will co create with those who have made it to the other side. Your body of work is truly a treasure and I LOVE my Hello, Mortal newsletters <3
yes, please do!! Sounds exciting ✨
I have to firmly disagree.
Death for most societies was male based. Men went to war, died, and if they could disposed of the body. That’s the predominant means of early death in all societies througout history. Women became involved when death occurred by natural means. Men reclaimed their dominance through religion. Declaring as a god given command, that bodies should be treated the same as they were on the battlefield, burried to protect them from predators, maybe given trinkets to assist their crossing to the afterlife.
If women are at all involved in the modern area it is one of the primary griever, not the primary definer of how death proceeds.
hello: boy oh boy, i would LOVE to see if we can do something togther. here's my substack drlizscott.substack.com and here's my book about death which will be out in about a month: https://bookshop.org/p/books/you-re-going-to-die-but-not-me/c25602f3ecb80649?ean=9781965784372&next=t
Thanks for your invitation to alert you to new books! My newest title, 98.6 Mortality Movies to See Before You Die, is coming out April 16, National Healthcare Decisions Day (ties in with Death and Taxes). It curates 142 films and television programs that address mortality from a wide range of perspectives. Chapters focus on topics such as funerals and funeral directors, grief and growth, medical and end-of-life issues, mortality and living fully, animated films, documentaries, and more. Happy to send you a copy when it's available. You can learn more about it here: https://agoodgoodbye.com/mortality-movies/98-6-mortality-movies-to-see-before-you-die-coming-soon/