I loved reading this! The power of gathering to talk about death without the usual evasions is something I wish more people could experience.
But I want to push back on the MAID conversation, specifically the person who said they “dream of a world where MAID doesn’t need to be an option” and characterized choosing MAID as “a choice rooted in fear of the dying process.”
I’ve written extensively about the documentary Life After by Reid Davenport, which exposes how Canada’s expansion of MAID access reveals something deeply disturbing about when governments offer people the right to die rather than funding the support they need to actually live with dignity. It’s abandonment dressed up as progressive policy.
One person in the film is forced to explore medical assistance in dying not because he doesn’t want to live with his disability, but because he can’t afford to live independently with it. A supposedly progressive government chose to expand access to death instead of addressing the systemic failures that make disabled lives unsustainable.
That’s not about fear of the dying process. That’s about a society that would rather offer death than fund the accommodations that would make life possible.
The person at your table who pushed back wasn’t wrong to dream of a world where MAID isn’t necessary. But the issue isn’t that dying people need better hospice care so they won’t choose MAID. The issue is that people who are disabled, chronically ill and living with conditions that require support are being offered death as a solution to a problem society created.
MAID for terminal illness with unbearable suffering is a different conversation. But when MAID becomes the answer to “I can’t afford the care I need to live,” we’re not talking about autonomy anymore.
Thank you so much for doing this important work. I’d love to help bring this to Austin.
And I appreciate you sharing your perspective on MAID. There are so many different scenarios to consider, and context matters to learn from stories and experiences like the ones you named.
To me a MAID option (like the one being proposed in Canada) in my U.S. state would be welcome to provide a legal dignified death option for someone who has lived a happy full life but is now burdened with a quality-of-life robbing incurable disease with likely years of expensive nursing care ahead as their body and mind slowly deteriorate. And what they absolutely don’t want is for their family’s wealth to be used up funding years of (non) life in a nursing home or other care facility.
I hear you, and I understand the appeal of having that option for the scenario you’re describing where someone is at the end of a full life facing years of deterioration they don’t want.
What I’m concerned about isn’t MAID for terminal illness or end-of-life suffering. It’s how quickly the conversation shifts from “dying with dignity” to “not being a financial burden.”
When “I don’t want my family’s wealth used up” becomes a reason to choose death, it’s not just about personal autonomy anymore. It’s about a system that makes people feel like burdens for needing care.
I live with a degenerative condition. I know what it’s like to need expensive care and I’ve felt the shame of being a burden due to my disability.
I don’t believe the answer to that shame is making it easier for people to choose death. The answer is building a world where needing care doesn’t bankrupt families and where disability and dependence aren’t treated as problems to solve by offering people the option to disappear.
The Canadian model isn’t just being used for people at the end of full lives. It’s being offered to people with disabilities who can’t afford to live independently.
I’m not against MAID categorically. I’m against a world that makes people choose between being a financial burden and being dead.
> The answer is building a world where needing care doesn’t bankrupt families...
That's a laudable goal. I just don't believe that's achievable in the U.S. -- there's no history or data that even suggests it's possible, we're going in the opposite direction. In the meantime it seems inhumane to continue to force terminally ill people who are ready to be done -- but whose timeline for inevitable death extends beyond 6 months -- to just continue to suffer (and pay often enormous sums for the privilege of doing so) because of hypothetical slippery slope concerns.
I also disagree with your characterization that MAID could "make" people choose between being a financial burden and being dead. Not allowing people to have personal autonomy to make their own choices because we're afraid some folks might use that autonomy to make bad choices is not a position I support. Find other ways to help protect the vulnerable without denying personal autonomy to the rest of us.
I just hosted a similar but different event: for my 50th birthday I held a “celebration of life” party based on a modern funeral, with a celebrant to guide a group ceremony. “Funeral chic” dress was encouraged, and while there wasn’t a structured discussion about death, many spontaneous conversations about death, life and mortality popped up.
I chose this way to bring together my friends and communities because as I enter this phase of my life, I’m the only surviving member of my immediate family (my younger brother and both my parents are dead) and in the past year two dear friend died at age 49.
As I invited people and planned the event, I encountered some uncomfortable and avoidant attitudes about the theme. But I hope this bit of friction helped people confront their feelings about death. It ended up being a joyous and boisterous party, with lots of stories and laughter.
Thanks for sharing — I’m so sorry. That’s a brutal amount of loss to carry.
Also what you did is so brave. Hosting a “celebration of life” like that is the kind of thing people remember for years. Even the folks who didn’t say much probably went home thinking about death (and their life) in a different way.
The Hudson Valley in NY
I'd love to host something in Hudson Valley!
Would be a dream!
Would love to be a part of this!
Would love to have you attend!
I loved reading this! The power of gathering to talk about death without the usual evasions is something I wish more people could experience.
But I want to push back on the MAID conversation, specifically the person who said they “dream of a world where MAID doesn’t need to be an option” and characterized choosing MAID as “a choice rooted in fear of the dying process.”
I’ve written extensively about the documentary Life After by Reid Davenport, which exposes how Canada’s expansion of MAID access reveals something deeply disturbing about when governments offer people the right to die rather than funding the support they need to actually live with dignity. It’s abandonment dressed up as progressive policy.
One person in the film is forced to explore medical assistance in dying not because he doesn’t want to live with his disability, but because he can’t afford to live independently with it. A supposedly progressive government chose to expand access to death instead of addressing the systemic failures that make disabled lives unsustainable.
That’s not about fear of the dying process. That’s about a society that would rather offer death than fund the accommodations that would make life possible.
The person at your table who pushed back wasn’t wrong to dream of a world where MAID isn’t necessary. But the issue isn’t that dying people need better hospice care so they won’t choose MAID. The issue is that people who are disabled, chronically ill and living with conditions that require support are being offered death as a solution to a problem society created.
MAID for terminal illness with unbearable suffering is a different conversation. But when MAID becomes the answer to “I can’t afford the care I need to live,” we’re not talking about autonomy anymore.
Thank you so much for doing this important work. I’d love to help bring this to Austin.
I’m glad you enjoyed reading!
And I appreciate you sharing your perspective on MAID. There are so many different scenarios to consider, and context matters to learn from stories and experiences like the ones you named.
To me a MAID option (like the one being proposed in Canada) in my U.S. state would be welcome to provide a legal dignified death option for someone who has lived a happy full life but is now burdened with a quality-of-life robbing incurable disease with likely years of expensive nursing care ahead as their body and mind slowly deteriorate. And what they absolutely don’t want is for their family’s wealth to be used up funding years of (non) life in a nursing home or other care facility.
I hear you, and I understand the appeal of having that option for the scenario you’re describing where someone is at the end of a full life facing years of deterioration they don’t want.
What I’m concerned about isn’t MAID for terminal illness or end-of-life suffering. It’s how quickly the conversation shifts from “dying with dignity” to “not being a financial burden.”
When “I don’t want my family’s wealth used up” becomes a reason to choose death, it’s not just about personal autonomy anymore. It’s about a system that makes people feel like burdens for needing care.
I live with a degenerative condition. I know what it’s like to need expensive care and I’ve felt the shame of being a burden due to my disability.
I don’t believe the answer to that shame is making it easier for people to choose death. The answer is building a world where needing care doesn’t bankrupt families and where disability and dependence aren’t treated as problems to solve by offering people the option to disappear.
The Canadian model isn’t just being used for people at the end of full lives. It’s being offered to people with disabilities who can’t afford to live independently.
I’m not against MAID categorically. I’m against a world that makes people choose between being a financial burden and being dead.
> The answer is building a world where needing care doesn’t bankrupt families...
That's a laudable goal. I just don't believe that's achievable in the U.S. -- there's no history or data that even suggests it's possible, we're going in the opposite direction. In the meantime it seems inhumane to continue to force terminally ill people who are ready to be done -- but whose timeline for inevitable death extends beyond 6 months -- to just continue to suffer (and pay often enormous sums for the privilege of doing so) because of hypothetical slippery slope concerns.
I also disagree with your characterization that MAID could "make" people choose between being a financial burden and being dead. Not allowing people to have personal autonomy to make their own choices because we're afraid some folks might use that autonomy to make bad choices is not a position I support. Find other ways to help protect the vulnerable without denying personal autonomy to the rest of us.
Dinner with Death in Portland Oregon !?
Agreed! Maura we gotta make one happen in Portland!
Top of the list!!
Another Portland OR interested party here!
I love this! Please come to Victoria, BC, Canada.
I just hosted a similar but different event: for my 50th birthday I held a “celebration of life” party based on a modern funeral, with a celebrant to guide a group ceremony. “Funeral chic” dress was encouraged, and while there wasn’t a structured discussion about death, many spontaneous conversations about death, life and mortality popped up.
I chose this way to bring together my friends and communities because as I enter this phase of my life, I’m the only surviving member of my immediate family (my younger brother and both my parents are dead) and in the past year two dear friend died at age 49.
As I invited people and planned the event, I encountered some uncomfortable and avoidant attitudes about the theme. But I hope this bit of friction helped people confront their feelings about death. It ended up being a joyous and boisterous party, with lots of stories and laughter.
Thanks for sharing — I’m so sorry. That’s a brutal amount of loss to carry.
Also what you did is so brave. Hosting a “celebration of life” like that is the kind of thing people remember for years. Even the folks who didn’t say much probably went home thinking about death (and their life) in a different way.
Victoria, BC is officially on our list!💛
It would be amazing to host something in the Boston (and/or its suburbs).
Chicago,IL
✅
Dinner with death in Salem, Mass! Maybe just before or just after the Halloween madness each fall season!
that would be amazing
Would love this in south Seattle!
Noted!
Greater Philadelphia
My hometown!!
The greater Philadelphia area! The idea intimidates me, but I can also see so much value in talking about this in a facilitated space like this
I'm from Philly, so YES!
Oh YAY! I’m moving out that way soon, so don’t have it too quick! But I would love that so much!
Boston, MA here. Awesome idea. Captures a lot of what we need nowadays — not just direct talk about existential issues, but also community.
Boston would be fun!
We may have something coming in Portland, Maine if you're able to make the drive :)
Taunton, West somerset, UK
Yes please to a death dinner!!
Our first international?!
San Francisco!
Talking with someone out there to co-host!!
That is a genius idea. I bet it would be a first time for many to attend a dinner party against that backdrop. It's beautiful
It was stunning!
Austin, TX
Denver or Boulder area! Love this.
We'll do another one here for sure!