I had never heard of an ethical will and I love it. What a beautiful thing to gift to your loved ones. Also, I just want to say thank you for what you do. I’m new to your space and new to opening myself to thinking about mortality. It can be uncomfortable, but I also find it deeply fascinating. So thank you💛
The ethical will is a new one to me and I am also a death doula in the UK. Thankyou for that, certainly something to think about for myself and suggesting for clients!
I love the idea of the ethical will. I feel like that ethos is being built into all the work I am currently doing online, leaving things that will outlast me to hopefully be a positive reflection of my life for those who remain. The other wills are hugely important. Thank you for highlighting all 3.
After my husband's end of life experience, I realized how inadequate the standard form Advanced Health Directive is. He was young (62), he didn't have an incurable disease and he was delirious but conscious. His health was very poor when he went into the hospital, two weeks later it was much worse. We knew that even if they were somehow able to stop the infection that was killing him (which they admitted they couldn't do), his quality of life afterwards would be nonexistent.
When his sister and I decided to decline a suggested treatment that would prolong his suffering but not stop the progression of his acute illness, we were treated as if we wanted to kill him.
Afterward, I added an attachment to my AD explaining just what I wanted and what criteria my representative should use to determine whether I would want extraordinary intervention. And then I shared it with my daughter and brother, who would have to make that decision for me.
Donna, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's end-of-life care experience—that sounds incredibly challenging. I'm so appreciative that you shared with us. It was smart of you to add that attachment to your AD and have the discussion with your children. I know your story will provide great insight for anyone reading this.
Don’t do what my youngest sister did before she died last summer.She wrote the same letter (in pencil) to all 6 of the nieces and nephews, photocopied the letters and just changed the names. It was clear that she waited too long because the writing was very shaky ( she was in her 50’s and been sick for almost 3 years). Most of them were so hurt by this that they didn’t even read their letters or put them away for later. She did the same thing to me and my sister ( we are both cancer survivors too). She also asked if I would email her my obituary ( I wrote it 15 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and I update it every few years). I said of course, and then when she or whoever helped her write it listed the relatives, they didn’t even put our last names. My sister and I and our young adults are also Catholic and were not asked to take part in the Mass of Christian Burial in any way (bringing up the gifts or doing one of the readings) but her son’s wife and son’s fiancee and her best friend (who are all non-practicing Catholics) were invited to do so. There was a lot more to the story as you can imagine, but I take it as a cautionary tale that all three of my wills are written in full and kept updated and I will make sure that my nieces and nephews and brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law and friends and cousins will know that they are all loved and cherished by me.
Thanks for this timely (for me) reminder, and for introducing me to the idea of an ethical will. It’s not something I considered but something I very much resonate with.
So great to see more discussion of this important but difficult topic! After managing my mom’s estate and looking at the assets I had accumulated, I made sure to get my financial will set up. But I’ve been procrastinating on doing the other two documents, which are more emotional and taxing. This post is a good reminder to get moving on them!
Managing a parent’s estate is a crash course nobody asks for! I’m glad to hear you have your financial affairs in order. And you’re so not alone in procrastinating the health and ethical pieces. those are emotional for a reason. I love hosting group workshops to get them done.
I wrote my first financial will a few years ago, and I recently updated it after getting married. I did my living will more recently too.
My ethical will exists in a few different forms right now (notes, letters, drafts), and I tend to update it every time I fly. It’s become a little ritual.
As for updates: I recommend reviewing all three about once a year. Some years you won’t change a thing, but it’s worth double-checking. I like the annual review because it also doubles as a personal check to reflect on mortality in an intentional and practical way.
Thanks for writing this! I'm so in agreement about the importance of all three kinds of wills and always hope to talk more about access to estate planning!
Do you have online free sites you’d recommend for #1 & 2?
For a free financial will, check out Freewill: www.freewill.com
Although depending on your situation I always recommend working with a lawyer when possible.
For a free advance directive I would look at CaringInfo:
www.caringinfo.org/planning/advance-directives/by-state/
I had never heard of an ethical will and I love it. What a beautiful thing to gift to your loved ones. Also, I just want to say thank you for what you do. I’m new to your space and new to opening myself to thinking about mortality. It can be uncomfortable, but I also find it deeply fascinating. So thank you💛
Anna, thank you for reading! I'm so glad that you now know what an ethical will is and that it resonates with you.
The ethical will is a new one to me and I am also a death doula in the UK. Thankyou for that, certainly something to think about for myself and suggesting for clients!
I like the idea of writing an ethical will. It is something I want to get started pretty soon . I have the other two wills .
That's great to hear!
I love the idea of the ethical will. I feel like that ethos is being built into all the work I am currently doing online, leaving things that will outlast me to hopefully be a positive reflection of my life for those who remain. The other wills are hugely important. Thank you for highlighting all 3.
Thank you for reading and commenting! I'm glad it resonated with you.
After my husband's end of life experience, I realized how inadequate the standard form Advanced Health Directive is. He was young (62), he didn't have an incurable disease and he was delirious but conscious. His health was very poor when he went into the hospital, two weeks later it was much worse. We knew that even if they were somehow able to stop the infection that was killing him (which they admitted they couldn't do), his quality of life afterwards would be nonexistent.
When his sister and I decided to decline a suggested treatment that would prolong his suffering but not stop the progression of his acute illness, we were treated as if we wanted to kill him.
Afterward, I added an attachment to my AD explaining just what I wanted and what criteria my representative should use to determine whether I would want extraordinary intervention. And then I shared it with my daughter and brother, who would have to make that decision for me.
Donna, I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's end-of-life care experience—that sounds incredibly challenging. I'm so appreciative that you shared with us. It was smart of you to add that attachment to your AD and have the discussion with your children. I know your story will provide great insight for anyone reading this.
Don’t do what my youngest sister did before she died last summer.She wrote the same letter (in pencil) to all 6 of the nieces and nephews, photocopied the letters and just changed the names. It was clear that she waited too long because the writing was very shaky ( she was in her 50’s and been sick for almost 3 years). Most of them were so hurt by this that they didn’t even read their letters or put them away for later. She did the same thing to me and my sister ( we are both cancer survivors too). She also asked if I would email her my obituary ( I wrote it 15 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer and I update it every few years). I said of course, and then when she or whoever helped her write it listed the relatives, they didn’t even put our last names. My sister and I and our young adults are also Catholic and were not asked to take part in the Mass of Christian Burial in any way (bringing up the gifts or doing one of the readings) but her son’s wife and son’s fiancee and her best friend (who are all non-practicing Catholics) were invited to do so. There was a lot more to the story as you can imagine, but I take it as a cautionary tale that all three of my wills are written in full and kept updated and I will make sure that my nieces and nephews and brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law and friends and cousins will know that they are all loved and cherished by me.
Mary, thank you for sharing your experience with ethical wills. I'm sure this perspective will help others reading.
Thanks for this timely (for me) reminder, and for introducing me to the idea of an ethical will. It’s not something I considered but something I very much resonate with.
So glad to hear that!
Wow, excellent summary! So excited to learn you are building a platform. I’m on the interst list : )
Yay! 😊
So great to see more discussion of this important but difficult topic! After managing my mom’s estate and looking at the assets I had accumulated, I made sure to get my financial will set up. But I’ve been procrastinating on doing the other two documents, which are more emotional and taxing. This post is a good reminder to get moving on them!
Managing a parent’s estate is a crash course nobody asks for! I’m glad to hear you have your financial affairs in order. And you’re so not alone in procrastinating the health and ethical pieces. those are emotional for a reason. I love hosting group workshops to get them done.
Hi Maura, I’m curious, when did you first write your first will and what made you write them? Also, do you update them often?
I wrote my first financial will a few years ago, and I recently updated it after getting married. I did my living will more recently too.
My ethical will exists in a few different forms right now (notes, letters, drafts), and I tend to update it every time I fly. It’s become a little ritual.
As for updates: I recommend reviewing all three about once a year. Some years you won’t change a thing, but it’s worth double-checking. I like the annual review because it also doubles as a personal check to reflect on mortality in an intentional and practical way.
Fascinating! Thanks for your reply :)
Thanks for writing this! I'm so in agreement about the importance of all three kinds of wills and always hope to talk more about access to estate planning!
So glad to hear that!