10 questions to answer before you die

Most people don’t plan for death. Here are the most important questions to answer and things to do now—so your people don’t suffer later.

Apparently, August is National Make-a-Will Month. How that became a “thing,” I don’t know, but I’m glad it exists because we need more awareness around end-of-life planning.

The reality is that most of you reading this haven’t done a damn thing to prepare for your death. I say that not to shame you, but just to be clear about the facts. There’s a chance that some of you have taken certain small steps—maybe you pre-paid for cremation services or made a will a decade ago that now needs updating—but more likely, you’ve been putting it off.

I totally get it! Thinking about death can be uncomfortable—and planning, for many people, is even more uncomfortable and confronting. And even if planning ahead for your inevitable demise doesn’t make you cringe, it’s likely to fall to the bottom of your to-do list because death seems far off, and everything else feels more urgent.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. The majority of Americans think about death regularly (at least every month), but only one-third have taken any actual steps to plan for it. Intellectually, most people know that having conversations about end-of-life planning is important, but the reality is we’ve yet to have them or to document our decisions.

It’s as if we think that by talking about death, we’ll jinx ourselves and find the Grim Reaper at our doorstep the next morning. But just like talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about death won’t kill you. In fact, studies show discussing death can actually make you happier, and the benefits of contemplating death for our mental health, life satisfaction and emotional well-being are real, lasting, and completely transformational.

That’s why our mission at Hello, Mortal is to help you contemplate and converse about death—without shame, fear, or waiting for a crisis. Because we believe it’s the missing link to a more meaningful, creative, and connected life.

Avoiding discussing or planning for death doesn’t make things any easier and doesn’t make the fear go away. It only makes it worse, and leaves the people we love scrambling in crisis and chaos when it happens.

And yet, we’re still not doing it. So here’s my question:

WHY THE HELL DON’T PEOPLE PREPARE FOR DEATH WHEN IT’S THE ONLY GUARANTEE IN LIFE?

For the last few years, I’ve been thinking about that question constantly (actually, more like obsessing over it). And while I understand the reasons—fear, overwhelm, uncertainty, lack of awareness, avoidance, outdated systems—they’re not good enough anymore.

Not after what I’ve seen and experienced as a death doula, hospice director, and founder building in this space. I’ve witnessed firsthand how families fall apart in crisis simply because no one talked about what mattered until it was too late.

But avoiding talking about death because it feels uncomfortable is like refusing to wear a seatbelt because it doesn’t look cool or feel good. Sure, it might cause some temporary discomfort, but in exchange for safety and peace of mind, it’s more than worth it. And once you break the ice, these conversations are often surprisingly life-affirming. Many people describe feeling a sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted.

And I get it—when you’re young and healthy, planning for death doesn’t feel urgent. Most people don’t understand the real value of end-of-life planning until they’ve lived through someone else’s death. And even then, they might still put it off for themselves because they don’t know where to start, but by that point, it’s too late for the person who died. I want to reiterate again that I’m not trying to shame people without a plan (I’m still finishing mine), because we’re not taught how to do this, and most of us are just trying to make it through the day. Add to that the fact that existing systems are cold, confusing, and wildly outdated, and it’s no surprise this rarely makes the top of the to-do list.

However, these reasons are really not legitimate excuses. And I’ll continue advocating for end-of-life planning because I’m not afraid to be seen as weird or annoying, or force you to sit and think about the reality of your mortality because it IS THAT IMPORTANT.

As some of you reading may know, my mom died when I was 20. And even though she had been given a terminal diagnosis (she was in and out of remission from breast cancer my whole life), we were still not prepared for her death. That made things a lot more overwhelming and stressful at an already difficult moment. But the little we were, did help. We knew she wanted to be cremated, and we knew she didn't want deli meat at her funeral.

Start here, start now

No one can ever be 100% prepared for death, but there are simple (and free) things you can do that will make a positive difference for you and the people you love when you die.

We’re going to start right now with the 10 most essential questions to answer (and things to do) before you die—no more excuses.

But before we do, if you’re about to stop reading (please don’t) or thinking this has anything to do with owning a home or having a ton of financial assets, it doesn’t.

Because the thing I hate more than anything—even more than people saying they don’t have the time to prepare—is when they say they don’t have enough financial assets (no house, no car, etc) for a will. This is when I scream in my head (but say politely out loud): YOU ARE THE ASSET (your health, memories, creativity, wisdom, love, etc)! I hate this so much, because it breaks my heart that we don’t realize our own value; our society has conditioned us to only view material and financial assets as valuable.

Yes, wills are an essential component of end-of-life planning, but they are not the only component. Most wills cover financial matters, but they often overlook the emotional logistics and labor of death, which are arguably far more important.

The 10 most essential questions to answer and things to do before you die

There are endless questions you could ask, but these are the ones (split into 5 questions to ask and 5 actions to take before you die) I’ve seen make the biggest difference for the person dying, and for the people left to live without them. And none of which require a lawyer or a ton of money—just a little intention.

5 questions to ask:

1. What method of body disposition feels right for me?

Most people haven’t given much thought to what they’d like to happen to their body after they die—but it’s one of the most important end-of-life decisions you’ll make, both for yourself and for your loved ones. The options include, but aren’t limited to:

• Cremation (flame or water)

• Natural or conventional burial

• Human composting

• Donation to science

• Launch your cremains (yes, the correct term is “cremains,” not ashes, because cremated remains are actually the decedents' pulverized bones) into space

• Turn your cremains into a diamond

There are more options than you might think, and we’re working on building something to help you explore them in an approachable, easy way.

Choosing ahead of time saves your people from having to make a big financial and emotional decision while in shock and grief. Without your guidance, they’re left to guess about what you “would’ve wanted” or how much money is “meaningful enough” or appropriate to spend. Your choice gives them relief, confidence, and one less decision to make during an overwhelming time that can be akin to experiencing a traumatic brain injury.

2. What kind of goodbye would feel meaningful for me and for the people who love me?

Before you say, “I don’t want a funeral” or “I don’t care,” remember: your funeral isn’t just for you—it’s also for the people you love the most in this world.

Ceremony and ritual—big or small—is hugely important for helping people process loss. Denying them that moment could lead to delayed or complicated grief. It doesn’t need to be traditional, elaborate, or expensive, but it does need to be intentional. Encourage your loved ones to have a ceremony or gathering in your honor, and if you’re worried about it being “too much of a fuss,” leave instructions for something simple, and start saving money (the average funeral costs $8,000) to pay for it or contribute. Don’t know where to start? Book a conversation with me.

3. Who should be notified if I die tomorrow?

Consider right now: If you were to get in a lethal accident tomorrow, who would you want to be notified first? And if you already have a list, are these contacts still accurate? Divorce, estrangement, death, or the passing of time can all shift who belongs on this list.

Make sure the person you’d want handling your affairs (going through your phone and your things) has access to the information they will need, and you’ve had a conversation with them about the two questions above. This is one of the most overlooked—and most practical—pieces of end-of-life planning.

4. Who do I trust to make medical decisions if I can’t?

Imagine you're in a car accident and end up unconscious, kept alive by machines. The hospital calls your emergency contact—maybe it’s your mom, who lives out of state and wants to keep you alive at all costs (can you blame her?). Meanwhile, your partner or best friend, whom you’ve had this conversation with, is in the waiting room, desperate to advocate for you, but they can’t, because you never named them as your Medical Power of Attorney (MPA). So doctors default to “next of kin,” and suddenly a medical crisis becomes a conflict. One person wants to “do everything,” another insists you wouldn’t want to live like this...Grief turns into blame, and families are torn apart. Everyone thinks this stuff only happens to other people, but it happens every day. Do yourself and your family a favor, and get it sorted in advance.

The person you name as your MPA does not necessarily have to be your spouse or even related to you, but whoever it is, they need to be informed of your wishes. So, if you become unconscious or unable to speak, they’re the ones the doctors will ask to make the hard decisions.

5. Is there anything I’ve left unsaid? Who do I need to say it to?

This one is personal: If you had a year left to live, what truths would you speak? Who would you thank? Apologize to? Forgive?

Regret is one of the heaviest things we leave behind. Don’t wait for the “right” moment. Say what needs to be said—now.

5 Things you can do right now that will make your inevitable death easier:

6. Set up your iPhone Legacy Contact & Gmail Inactive Account Manager.

This is one of the easiest (and most overlooked) things you can do. It ensures that when you die, someone you appoint and trust can access your phone or email (without it, your loved ones might get locked out of everything), which is crucial for closing accounts, alerting contacts, and sorting through photos. Think of it as naming your digital next of kin. And choose wisely—this is also the person who’ll have access to all your stuff, so make sure it’s someone you trust to delete anything you wouldn’t want to see the light of day.

You can set this up in under 5 minutes in your Apple ID settings or Gmail account settings. And some social media platforms, like Facebook and Instagram, also let you assign a “legacy contact” to manage or memorialize your profile. It’s a small step that can prevent a lot of stress for the people you love.

7. Set up a password manager—and share the master password.

Your entire digital life is locked behind passwords—almost everything you own or use is tied to one: your bank details, subscriptions, social media, phone, and computer, etc. A password manager (like 1Password) helps you organize and secure them all in one place.

When you die, the people left behind will need these passwords to access, manage, and close your accounts. Giving one trusted person access to your master password ensures they can do all of that without jumping through legal hoops, or getting locked out because they had to guess your password and they guessed wrong too many times. It’s a small act of preparation that prevents a whole lot of chaos.

8. Name a guardian for your kids or pets.

If something happened to you tomorrow, who would care for your children? Who would take in your dog? Who would clean out your apartment? Don’t assume they’ll say yes, or that they know.

The first step and time to have these conversations is before a crisis. Not after. For pets, it’s not legally required, but for kids, this designation should be followed up with a legal document (typically your will) to make it official. Without it, a court could decide who gets custody, and that may not align with your wishes.

9. Make a bank account “payable on death” (POD).

You don’t need a will to do this. You can go to your bank (some might even let you do it online) and add a beneficiary to your account with a single form. This allows the people you trust to access funds immediately—for emergency flights, funeral costs, food, and childcare.

10. Write down what matters most.

Inspired by the letters my mom wrote me on her deathbed to open for future milestones (one of which I have coming up very soon—my wedding), I do something similar on every flight. I review notes I’ve made in my phone for the people I love, just in case. Because if the plane does go down, and I die (or when I eventually die), I want them to know: how much they meant to me, and what sign I will try to use to communicate with them after I’m gone.

A few sentences can change everything for the people you love. It doesn’t have to be long, and it can look however you want it to:

• A memoir or series of stories about your life

• A simple love note

• A list of your favorite things (songs, movies, books, vacations, etc)

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If you take anything away from this list, please let it be that you don’t need tons of money or a lawyer to start planning for death, but you do need a bit of courage and intention. Remember: while the distribution of your financial and material assets is important, what matters far more to your loved ones is that you, your memories, and the relationship they had with you is cared for and honored.

I invite you to join the conversation and reply to this email or leave a comment, answering the following, as your experience might help someone else:

• Have you made any end-of-life plans? Why or why not?

• Which item on the list feels the most important or the most overwhelming?

• Is there a question or action item that’s not on this list but that you think should be? Why?
  

P.S. We’re building a tool to help you get your end-of-life planning done so you can walk around with peace of mind, knowing that if anything were to happen, your people would have a plan. If our mission resonates and you’d like to support us, we’d love to hear from you. You can also join the waitlist to be notified when we launch.

P.P.S. There will be no contemplation or Death Over Coffee next week because we are taking Labor Day off—and I’m getting married in a few weeks and need to finish preparing and writing my vows (!!). We’ll resume our weekly contemplations on Sunday, September 7, and our virtual gatherings for paid members on Sunday, September 28, at 11 AM ET.

Enjoy your Labor Day weekend!

— Maura