This inspired me to start writing a letter to my two-year-old son so that he has something from me if and when anything happens. I always want him to know how much I love him, and to be able to hear it in my own words.
And it reminds me of a video I just watched, where someone on their 21st birthday received a gift from their parents —a letter they had written to them every birthday for the last 21 years!
My mother passed 24 years ago. She knew she was dying. She left birthday cards for her granddaughters, one for each year until they turned 18, and three years of birthday cards for each of her adult children. She wrote plentiful notes on these cards; they brought comfort to each of us. I applaud your foresight and love.
This is lovely. I wonder if an exercise like this would be beneficial for people who are really avoiding talking about, and planning for their death. While death usually isn't going to be an enjoyable topic, this activity might be a good way to start the conversation and bring people along to the harder conversations.
You asked about suggestions of topics to add to your list. How about more details of the funeral, memorial service, or other commemoration, if there is to be one? Should be at church service? If so, which hymns, what about Flowers? Relatives are often in the dark about these preferences, and it is a great comfort to know what the decedent actually wants.
You forgot something very important. Who will take care of my dogs? Or other pets? I have elaborate arrangements, I have a sign with caretaker names and contact information on the front door, a notebook of care information inside the door, so that if I am found dead in my home, the police or whoever finds me will know what to do with the dogs. That’s because I don’t want my dogs to go to the shelter!
Many rescues, including mine, have a requirement in the adoption contract that a dog must go back to the rescue if the owner is no longer able to care for it.
Pet owners have told me that they have left money for their pets in their wills. That isn’t enough. There must be provisioned for pets immediately. You can’t wait for a will to be read.
I have made all these arrangements, as well as talking to the local shelter and getting my name in their computer, and talking to the police about what their responsibilities might be. As you can see my dogs are very precious to me, and I don’t want to leave them in a situation where they aren’t going to be cared for by loving people.
I had to chuckle when I read your response to my message. Your response indicates clearly that you are not a dog person! That’s OK. I have some friends who aren’t dog people.
I am 90 years old. I have been adopting old Labrador retrievers for 30 years. I am a retired college professor and government executive, and my dogs are my passion and my family. When I write about what I am doing to be sure that they are not left alone when I die, this is not a casual pursuit. It is extremely important to me.
I haven’t read everything you have written, of course, but I do get the feeling that you are not 90 years old. You might not even be 65 years old. You are very good at gathering information together and helping old people to make lists. But trust me, you have no idea what it is like to be old.
I hope, as you write and give advice, you will remember that you are dealing with real old people, whom you probably don’t really understand very well. I know you are trying to do that, and I wish you luck.
I will be moving on. I have a PhD in gerontology, and if it means anything to you, even with all of that academic knowledge, I didn’t know what it was like to be old until I was.
I imagine you will discover the same, if you are fortunate enough to live to be 90.
I was trying to be tactful, and give you the benefit of my doubt. But now I have read more about you and your degree. You are doing this as a business. You are. making money on it! I should have known. I feel sorry for the people who pay attention to what you have to offer. You are not offering empathy or sympathy, you are just offering re-treaded information I am very disappointed. How much damage have you done?
Consider a bigger picture: 1) Young people die too. And 2) being a writer/journalist/blogger/podcaster is a profession. Good/ethical ones should be paid to carry on.
This article is kind. It's a nudge in the right direction for people at the beginning of preparing for their death.
I have a PhD. and LCSW. I specialize in geriatrics. I was not old when I chose this tract. I am old now, 77. I Have a much better understanding now of aging. I get what my patients are going through. Life happens. My husband passed at 85. He taught me a lot about preparing for death. I don’t have minor children to worry about, My pets have passed. I have recently updated my trust and will. My main n wishes are written down. I did learn a lot today ready the suggestions and complaints. I have subscribed and plan to learn more. I would like to tell Barbara Osgood that it is not too late for her to learn kindness.
If you are interested in working with old people, you shouldn’t stereotype them. We are all different, and some of us have very strong opinions, just like the rest of the population.
I was very disappointed when I read your bio and found that you had a degree in marketing and no experience in aging. I felt deceived, as I was having a pleasant conversation with you.
I am very sensitive to the exploitation of the elderly. It happens all the time. We have to be constantly on alert to stay safe.
If I have misjudged you, I apologize. I plan to move on. I don’t enjoy Substack and probably won’t be back again.
You have severely misjudged her. Your perspective is valid, as is everyone’s, but your hurtful words are not constructive or helpful to the conversation. And that’s sad, because I’m sure you have a great story to share and we could all learn from you. But the way you’ve gone about this is just wrong.
I absolutely love this, so concise and practical. I have been contemplating becoming a death doula off and on the last few years. I think about dying quite frequently, not afraid, more curious and want to be able to have it all in place. And now at 70+, I have treatable lung cancer and a sense of urgency has occurred. I’ll continue following your posts. Thank you so very much
I'm sorry to hear about lung cancer, but I'm glad to hear it is treatable. I would encourage you to take a death doula course (in person if you can) simply for the education, as I found it incredibly valuable and insightful. I have recommendations for IRL and online classes; just let me know where you're located and what you prefer!
Maura, thank you for your response. I am in Monterey Bay Area. Would love your recommendations. I have been thinking about the training for myself, it really feels like a calling as my life has been unfolding. Be well 🥰
I have two cautions about your point 9 regarding pod accounts. First, the money is not immediately available. It is available when a death certificate is issued and may take some time. When my mother died, I didn’t get the death certificate for a couple of weeks because of bureaucratic snafu by the state. Second, if the money is expected to be used for the deceased’s expenses, the person receiving it had better be trustworthy. Legally, the money goes to the beneficiary and they can do what they like with the money. It would probably be better to have an account titled to a trust with a successor trustee. If you don’t go the trust route, you could have a joint checking account with a trustworthy person with the amount you think is necessary for immediate expenses upon your death. This solves the immediacy problem but still has the trustworthiness problem.
Jim, thank you so much for sharing this. You’re absolutely right that there are more comprehensive steps people can take. What we shared was meant to be a starting point for those who’ve done zero planning and don’t know where to begin. However, for those ready to take additional action (and really, we all should), your context is crucial—especially your note about the joint account. I’m grateful you added this perspective, as it rounds out the conversation in such a valuable way.
It’s also hard to remember things you obviously know. I went to the funeral home with my mother to start arrangements for my dad and provide the facts for his obituary. After it was published in the local papers we both realized we forgot to include his half-sister who lived next door🤦🏻♀️
Grief absolutely scrambles the brain! So it's not your fault; it’s what happens when the mind is trying to function in crisis. There’s actually research showing that acute grief can mirror the effects of a traumatic brain injury.
I’ve seen the same thing again and again in hospice where families are left scrambling because conversations never happened soon enough. Even small details, like whether someone wanted deli trays at their service, can carry huge emotional weight when the big questions haven’t been addressed.
Most people imagine that choice will be obvious, but when the moment comes, it rarely is. Having clarity around who you want by your side and whether that’s a family member, friend, or professional caregiver can save your loved ones from guilt, conflict, and second-guessing.
Thanks, this is a great resource. I would suggest adding one more very basic item to do: a list of all your financial accounts and the institutions that hold them. Checking, savings, investments, insurance, pension, etc. Also, debt accounts such as credit cards, mortgages, etc. This saves your family/executor a lot of time and effort researching where all your assets are.
My personal experience when my doctors told me that I had six months left - with a daughter who was still in college- the only family member. With grace of God, I had the help of best accountant and best lawyer to help me deal with the situation. This is what I did under their guidance: created 3 legal documents- 1. A will, 2. Limited power of attorney for my bank account and finances to my daughter, and 3. Health care proxy -where I clearly noted -DNR & DNI, no artificial life support or tube feeding and no autopsy. We made sure that my daughter was my legal beneficiary wherever possible. I transferred half of ownership of my home to her so that nobody could auction it off - secured a roof over her head. Another thing I did was to calculate the expenses for her college education, marriage and remaining mortgage on my house and took a term life insurance for that much amount under the guidance of my CPA. With full disclosure of my medical condition, I had to pay a hefty premium, but it worked out. Insurance was very important because that money is tax free and goes straight to the beneficiary. Securing my daughter’s future as a single parent was my utmost priority and I did everything I possibly could do. She was with me during all this and understood what I was doing and why. With sheer blessings and grace of God, I am still here to share this story with you all 🙏
Anamika, I am amazed by the thoughtfulness of your actions. I hope every parent reads your comment and is inspired to take action. Your daughter is fortunate and loved to have you as her mom. And most of all, I hope your diagnosis improves, but if not, that you are comforted in knowing your daughter’s stress after you die will be somewhat alleviated because of the meaningful preparations you have taken.
Also consider learning about autopsies, donating your body to science and labout how power of attorney ends with death and the family (next if kin) assumes responsibility for decision making after death.
Many people would like to do something "useful" with their bodies after death - whether donating it to science, or donating organs - but apart from these well-known options there are many other ways you body can be used, for good, rather than buried or burned.
I highly recommend the book "Stiff" by Mary Roach, where she approaches the subject with curiosity and humour. I have it in my bookshelf, I need to re-read it to decide what I would like for my body once I'm dead!
Angie, I bought the book and started reading it last night. I am loving it! It is both gruesome and hilarious, and something I wish everyone would read.
She has a great sense of humour, doesn't she? She brings the subject to life (pardon the pun). I hope it gives you some ideas for what you could do when you're dead, anyway!
Interestingly, this thoughtful review of the hurdles survivors face, reminded me of a ritual I performed witnessed by other men, in a sacred circle. The invitation was to bring a photo of your father. The ritual was to share the picture (we were on Zoom) and talk to your father. I modeled the exercise and spoke to my father’s smiling face for maybe ten minutes, recounting our lives as father and son, the hurts, the conflicts, the joys and the good times, all with the benefit of a lifetime of perspective. I was able to tell him I think I understood how it was for him and gave him love and appreciation for all he’d done and tried to do. All throughout, he could not look away, interrupt because it was getting u comfortable…he just sat there, smiling back at me. It was a conversation I’d had in bits and pieces over the years but never so clearly spoken. It was wonderful to do, and to do it witnessed by others. It may have occurred to me that this conversation should have happened before he died, well before. Don’t wait, folks.
Dan, thank you for sharing such a personal and powerful story. I hope this inspires others to have the conversation now and to know that it's also available and helpful to do an exercise like the one you participated in.
I believe this topic should be more important for parents with very young, minor children. They should focus on securing financial future of their children in case both the parents were not there.
My dear lovely mother-in-law lived to be 100 and left detailed instructions for her memorial but all the people in her church she wanted to participate had died or gone. The new young pastor got a chuckle when we presented this to him. He beautifully took on the task of singing the hymns she wanted and the other details. It turned out to be a wonderful occasion for us.
As the child of a funeral director, I get all this and wholeheartedly agree. And the list of who to notify… my mom had such a list and I was so thankful for it. Otherwise, I would have never found her most important friends to let them know of her death.
Give yourself the opportunity for forgiveness and peace. left home at 14 after fights with my father’s fiancée, reconciled with him 25 years later and brought him to live with me for the last two years of my life. I’m working on my memoir now.
My Beloved and I did the planning a few years ago. When he died in mid-June, I was devastated, yet I had a map for the next few weeks! It was so helpful and is still helping!!
Now, I must re-plan. I have spoken to my new executor and her backup. While I continue winding down my Beloved's life, our past planning gave me a map for the future.
This inspired me to start writing a letter to my two-year-old son so that he has something from me if and when anything happens. I always want him to know how much I love him, and to be able to hear it in my own words.
He will cherish this forever <3
And it reminds me of a video I just watched, where someone on their 21st birthday received a gift from their parents —a letter they had written to them every birthday for the last 21 years!
My mother passed 24 years ago. She knew she was dying. She left birthday cards for her granddaughters, one for each year until they turned 18, and three years of birthday cards for each of her adult children. She wrote plentiful notes on these cards; they brought comfort to each of us. I applaud your foresight and love.
Your mother sounds like an incredibly thoughtful and special woman. Thank you for sharing your experience about how impactful writing a letter can be!
She was. You sound like the same kind of mom. It was good for me to share and presence her today 💕
How beautiful. You & your children must treasure those cards. It’s so important to say what we can to our loved ones while we still have time.
This is lovely. I wonder if an exercise like this would be beneficial for people who are really avoiding talking about, and planning for their death. While death usually isn't going to be an enjoyable topic, this activity might be a good way to start the conversation and bring people along to the harder conversations.
Consider recording the letters you write to your kids.
My mom didn’t die until I was an adult, but I wish more than anything that I could hear her voice one more time.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
You asked about suggestions of topics to add to your list. How about more details of the funeral, memorial service, or other commemoration, if there is to be one? Should be at church service? If so, which hymns, what about Flowers? Relatives are often in the dark about these preferences, and it is a great comfort to know what the decedent actually wants.
These are all great questions that should absolutely be asked as follow-ups!
One more: codes to unlock cellphone and computer
I've signed up with Science Care.
If you're open to sharing, I would love ot know more about what that process was like for you.
I think it's "deceased" you meant.
You forgot something very important. Who will take care of my dogs? Or other pets? I have elaborate arrangements, I have a sign with caretaker names and contact information on the front door, a notebook of care information inside the door, so that if I am found dead in my home, the police or whoever finds me will know what to do with the dogs. That’s because I don’t want my dogs to go to the shelter!
Many rescues, including mine, have a requirement in the adoption contract that a dog must go back to the rescue if the owner is no longer able to care for it.
Pet owners have told me that they have left money for their pets in their wills. That isn’t enough. There must be provisioned for pets immediately. You can’t wait for a will to be read.
I have made all these arrangements, as well as talking to the local shelter and getting my name in their computer, and talking to the police about what their responsibilities might be. As you can see my dogs are very precious to me, and I don’t want to leave them in a situation where they aren’t going to be cared for by loving people.
I did mention pets! It was brief, but it's in there. I'm glad to hear you've made such detailed instructions and arrangements for your pets.
I had to chuckle when I read your response to my message. Your response indicates clearly that you are not a dog person! That’s OK. I have some friends who aren’t dog people.
I am 90 years old. I have been adopting old Labrador retrievers for 30 years. I am a retired college professor and government executive, and my dogs are my passion and my family. When I write about what I am doing to be sure that they are not left alone when I die, this is not a casual pursuit. It is extremely important to me.
I haven’t read everything you have written, of course, but I do get the feeling that you are not 90 years old. You might not even be 65 years old. You are very good at gathering information together and helping old people to make lists. But trust me, you have no idea what it is like to be old.
I hope, as you write and give advice, you will remember that you are dealing with real old people, whom you probably don’t really understand very well. I know you are trying to do that, and I wish you luck.
I will be moving on. I have a PhD in gerontology, and if it means anything to you, even with all of that academic knowledge, I didn’t know what it was like to be old until I was.
I imagine you will discover the same, if you are fortunate enough to live to be 90.
I was trying to be tactful, and give you the benefit of my doubt. But now I have read more about you and your degree. You are doing this as a business. You are. making money on it! I should have known. I feel sorry for the people who pay attention to what you have to offer. You are not offering empathy or sympathy, you are just offering re-treaded information I am very disappointed. How much damage have you done?
Consider a bigger picture: 1) Young people die too. And 2) being a writer/journalist/blogger/podcaster is a profession. Good/ethical ones should be paid to carry on.
This article is kind. It's a nudge in the right direction for people at the beginning of preparing for their death.
You are a fraud. You have no qualifications to give the kind of advice that you are giving. Shame on you!.
It’s very hard to understand old people when they are bitter and mean. Hope that helps xx
I have a PhD. and LCSW. I specialize in geriatrics. I was not old when I chose this tract. I am old now, 77. I Have a much better understanding now of aging. I get what my patients are going through. Life happens. My husband passed at 85. He taught me a lot about preparing for death. I don’t have minor children to worry about, My pets have passed. I have recently updated my trust and will. My main n wishes are written down. I did learn a lot today ready the suggestions and complaints. I have subscribed and plan to learn more. I would like to tell Barbara Osgood that it is not too late for her to learn kindness.
If you are interested in working with old people, you shouldn’t stereotype them. We are all different, and some of us have very strong opinions, just like the rest of the population.
I was very disappointed when I read your bio and found that you had a degree in marketing and no experience in aging. I felt deceived, as I was having a pleasant conversation with you.
I am very sensitive to the exploitation of the elderly. It happens all the time. We have to be constantly on alert to stay safe.
If I have misjudged you, I apologize. I plan to move on. I don’t enjoy Substack and probably won’t be back again.
You have severely misjudged her. Your perspective is valid, as is everyone’s, but your hurtful words are not constructive or helpful to the conversation. And that’s sad, because I’m sure you have a great story to share and we could all learn from you. But the way you’ve gone about this is just wrong.
I absolutely love this, so concise and practical. I have been contemplating becoming a death doula off and on the last few years. I think about dying quite frequently, not afraid, more curious and want to be able to have it all in place. And now at 70+, I have treatable lung cancer and a sense of urgency has occurred. I’ll continue following your posts. Thank you so very much
I'm sorry to hear about lung cancer, but I'm glad to hear it is treatable. I would encourage you to take a death doula course (in person if you can) simply for the education, as I found it incredibly valuable and insightful. I have recommendations for IRL and online classes; just let me know where you're located and what you prefer!
Maura, thank you for your response. I am in Monterey Bay Area. Would love your recommendations. I have been thinking about the training for myself, it really feels like a calling as my life has been unfolding. Be well 🥰
I would look into sacred crossings: https://sacredcrossings.com/about/
Thank you - I’ll check it out 🥰
I have two cautions about your point 9 regarding pod accounts. First, the money is not immediately available. It is available when a death certificate is issued and may take some time. When my mother died, I didn’t get the death certificate for a couple of weeks because of bureaucratic snafu by the state. Second, if the money is expected to be used for the deceased’s expenses, the person receiving it had better be trustworthy. Legally, the money goes to the beneficiary and they can do what they like with the money. It would probably be better to have an account titled to a trust with a successor trustee. If you don’t go the trust route, you could have a joint checking account with a trustworthy person with the amount you think is necessary for immediate expenses upon your death. This solves the immediacy problem but still has the trustworthiness problem.
Jim, thank you so much for sharing this. You’re absolutely right that there are more comprehensive steps people can take. What we shared was meant to be a starting point for those who’ve done zero planning and don’t know where to begin. However, for those ready to take additional action (and really, we all should), your context is crucial—especially your note about the joint account. I’m grateful you added this perspective, as it rounds out the conversation in such a valuable way.
A draft obituary helps. While processing grief, it’s hard to look up details like college graduation major, exact name of employer, job title, etc.
Wonderful addition
This is a great idea! I have had to write two obituaries with little warning, and working on it. Ahead of time would’ve been a great idea.
It’s also hard to remember things you obviously know. I went to the funeral home with my mother to start arrangements for my dad and provide the facts for his obituary. After it was published in the local papers we both realized we forgot to include his half-sister who lived next door🤦🏻♀️
Grief absolutely scrambles the brain! So it's not your fault; it’s what happens when the mind is trying to function in crisis. There’s actually research showing that acute grief can mirror the effects of a traumatic brain injury.
I’ve seen the same thing again and again in hospice where families are left scrambling because conversations never happened soon enough. Even small details, like whether someone wanted deli trays at their service, can carry huge emotional weight when the big questions haven’t been addressed.
I think one overlooked part of end-of-life planning is the who. Who do you trust to step into your care when you can’t speak for yourself? I saw this article the other day https://www.alorahealth.com/blog-selecting-the-best-caregiver-for-end-of-life-care/ and it's such a largely overlooked piece.
Most people imagine that choice will be obvious, but when the moment comes, it rarely is. Having clarity around who you want by your side and whether that’s a family member, friend, or professional caregiver can save your loved ones from guilt, conflict, and second-guessing.
Thanks, this is a great resource. I would suggest adding one more very basic item to do: a list of all your financial accounts and the institutions that hold them. Checking, savings, investments, insurance, pension, etc. Also, debt accounts such as credit cards, mortgages, etc. This saves your family/executor a lot of time and effort researching where all your assets are.
Yes, very important!
My personal experience when my doctors told me that I had six months left - with a daughter who was still in college- the only family member. With grace of God, I had the help of best accountant and best lawyer to help me deal with the situation. This is what I did under their guidance: created 3 legal documents- 1. A will, 2. Limited power of attorney for my bank account and finances to my daughter, and 3. Health care proxy -where I clearly noted -DNR & DNI, no artificial life support or tube feeding and no autopsy. We made sure that my daughter was my legal beneficiary wherever possible. I transferred half of ownership of my home to her so that nobody could auction it off - secured a roof over her head. Another thing I did was to calculate the expenses for her college education, marriage and remaining mortgage on my house and took a term life insurance for that much amount under the guidance of my CPA. With full disclosure of my medical condition, I had to pay a hefty premium, but it worked out. Insurance was very important because that money is tax free and goes straight to the beneficiary. Securing my daughter’s future as a single parent was my utmost priority and I did everything I possibly could do. She was with me during all this and understood what I was doing and why. With sheer blessings and grace of God, I am still here to share this story with you all 🙏
Anamika, I am amazed by the thoughtfulness of your actions. I hope every parent reads your comment and is inspired to take action. Your daughter is fortunate and loved to have you as her mom. And most of all, I hope your diagnosis improves, but if not, that you are comforted in knowing your daughter’s stress after you die will be somewhat alleviated because of the meaningful preparations you have taken.
Thank you Maura. 🙏
Also consider learning about autopsies, donating your body to science and labout how power of attorney ends with death and the family (next if kin) assumes responsibility for decision making after death.
Those are all important too! It was challenging to narrow it down to just 10.
Many people would like to do something "useful" with their bodies after death - whether donating it to science, or donating organs - but apart from these well-known options there are many other ways you body can be used, for good, rather than buried or burned.
I highly recommend the book "Stiff" by Mary Roach, where she approaches the subject with curiosity and humour. I have it in my bookshelf, I need to re-read it to decide what I would like for my body once I'm dead!
Angie, I bought the book and started reading it last night. I am loving it! It is both gruesome and hilarious, and something I wish everyone would read.
She has a great sense of humour, doesn't she? She brings the subject to life (pardon the pun). I hope it gives you some ideas for what you could do when you're dead, anyway!
I'm not familiar with this book. Thanks for the rec!
Or if you have strong feelings about organ donation, be sure your family knows, understands & will support your wishes after you are gone.
Yes! Some people may find this one unimportant, but for those who have strong feelings about it, it is essential.
Interestingly, this thoughtful review of the hurdles survivors face, reminded me of a ritual I performed witnessed by other men, in a sacred circle. The invitation was to bring a photo of your father. The ritual was to share the picture (we were on Zoom) and talk to your father. I modeled the exercise and spoke to my father’s smiling face for maybe ten minutes, recounting our lives as father and son, the hurts, the conflicts, the joys and the good times, all with the benefit of a lifetime of perspective. I was able to tell him I think I understood how it was for him and gave him love and appreciation for all he’d done and tried to do. All throughout, he could not look away, interrupt because it was getting u comfortable…he just sat there, smiling back at me. It was a conversation I’d had in bits and pieces over the years but never so clearly spoken. It was wonderful to do, and to do it witnessed by others. It may have occurred to me that this conversation should have happened before he died, well before. Don’t wait, folks.
Dan, thank you for sharing such a personal and powerful story. I hope this inspires others to have the conversation now and to know that it's also available and helpful to do an exercise like the one you participated in.
I believe this topic should be more important for parents with very young, minor children. They should focus on securing financial future of their children in case both the parents were not there.
💯
My dear lovely mother-in-law lived to be 100 and left detailed instructions for her memorial but all the people in her church she wanted to participate had died or gone. The new young pastor got a chuckle when we presented this to him. He beautifully took on the task of singing the hymns she wanted and the other details. It turned out to be a wonderful occasion for us.
But please remember to update your wishes!
This warms my heart and serves as a clear reminder of why your plans should be revisited on an annual basis. 💕
As the child of a funeral director, I get all this and wholeheartedly agree. And the list of who to notify… my mom had such a list and I was so thankful for it. Otherwise, I would have never found her most important friends to let them know of her death.
Thank you for validating 💕
Give yourself the opportunity for forgiveness and peace. left home at 14 after fights with my father’s fiancée, reconciled with him 25 years later and brought him to live with me for the last two years of my life. I’m working on my memoir now.
💕
My Beloved and I did the planning a few years ago. When he died in mid-June, I was devastated, yet I had a map for the next few weeks! It was so helpful and is still helping!!
Now, I must re-plan. I have spoken to my new executor and her backup. While I continue winding down my Beloved's life, our past planning gave me a map for the future.
Sorry to hear that your beloved died 💕. Glad to know your planning was helpful!